Make Your Sentences Economical

Norman R. Augustine, president and CEO of Martin Marietta, once calculated the relationship between thickness and dollar amount of government contract proposals. After sharing the result, he wrote, “If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, it would probably be a good idea.”

Most readers of government and business writing agree that much of it is too long. But who’s to blame? As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy, and he is us.” Many of us in business and government write as if we were getting paid by the word.

In fact, the opposite is true. We, and our organizations, are paying by the word. We are paying directly in time and materials: a recent survey estimated the total cost of the average business letter at about $100. But we are also paying indirectly: each unnecessary word costs us the attention and good will of our readers.

Let me make an analogy. Suppose next Monday you arrive at your office and find an envelope from me. Inside is a $10 bill. Tuesday and Wednesday you find the same. By Thursday, you look forward with pleasure to opening my envelope. By the time the last envelope comes on Friday, you’re feeling very good about Ken Davis and the $50 I’ve sent you.

Now suppose, instead, that Monday’s envelope holds a dollar. On Tuesday there’s 25 cents, and on Wednesday there’s 75. You’re intrigued, but disappointed when Thursday’s envelope, sealed with strapping tape, holds only a nickel. The letters keep coming, on into the next week and the weeks after, some with as much as a couple of dollars, but most with small change. My envelopes become less and less important to you. Even if after several months you’ve received the same $50, you don’t feel nearly as good about me. You’ve had to work too hard for the money.

That’s how reading is. Reading a word is like opening an envelope: it requires a small but measurable amount of work. If each envelope or word contains something of value, we continue with anticipation. If most envelopes or words do not, we become bored, and maybe give up. So when you use 100 words instead of 200 to say something, you not only save money, you also have a much better chance of keeping your reader’s attention and good will.

To make your business writing more economical, do it as you revise, not as you draft. Don’t interrupt the flow of that draft to worry whether you’ve used too many words. Just put down the words as they come, even if you’re going to cut some out later.

Then after you’ve taken a break, come back to your writing and apply some objectivity and common sense. Read each sentence and ask yourself, “Do I need to say this? If so, do I need to use this many words?”

Look, for example, at this sentence: “The car was blue in color.” That’s a sentence any of us could have drafted. But at the revision stage you might realize that everyone knows that blue is a color. So revise the sentence to “The car was blue.”

As you go, try to do what Strunk and White call “which-hunting”: look for the whiches, whos, and thats in your draft. Some are necessary, but some can be eliminated by rearranging the sentence. For example, you can change the phrase “a commission which consists of ten members” into “a ten-member commission.” Similarly, you can revise the sentence “The state has vast deposits of coal which have not yet been developed” into “The state has vast undeveloped coal deposits.”

Look also for prepositions, especially of. Again, they’re often necessary, but they sometimes can be eliminated. For example, the sentence “The number of applications to schools of business is on the increase” has four prepositions. All can be cut; the sentence can be revised to “Business school applications are increasing.”

With these simple tools, you can begin saving money on your writing and getting a better response from your readers. Many companies are learning the value of such economy. A 3M vice president told Tom Peters, “We consider a coherent sentence to be an acceptable first draft for a new-product plan.” So remember, you’re paying by the word. Make sure each word is worth what it costs you.

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